Review: Vicky’s Monstrous Burger Shack

Eatery: Vicky’s Monstrous Burger Shack

Location: Grey Quarter, Upper Gatopolis, Katsouli

TODAY, I SHALL NOT DEVOUR ALL IN MY PATH. I SHALL DEVOUR WITH PRECISION. THE GOAL IS PLEASURE, NOT ANNIHILATION. BEHOLD MY FOOD CRITICISM.

Vicky’s Monstrous Burger Shack is a relatively new eatery in Upper Gatopolis, one of the many disputed capitals of Katsouli, the Land of Cats. Hidden between the trees of a small park opposite Siegfried’s Infinitely Recurring Cinema (where it’s impossible to remember the movie you’ve just seen), not far from the ruins of the infamous Tower-Palace of Lord Greasestain the Obscene, the shack is actually quite easy to miss. It’s an unremarkable building, and those expecting a special ambiance will be disappointed. It is not the shack that is monstrous, but the burgers.

What do I mean by monstrous? The patties are misshapen clumps of deep-fried meat, covered in spicy mustard that will make your nostrils weep, topped with slices of blood-red cheese, prehistoric bacon, and hissing peppers. The burger buns resemble a kind of unholy pita bread; watching them get made, watching the pulsating, undulating dough as it is fried, will give you erotic nightmares from which you will wake up hungry and unsatisfied. The special involves eggs of unknowable origin, demonic jalapeños, and a large portion of regular fries.

As for the owner, most people are terrified of Vicky. Some claim she has a heart of gold, but others say that is to be taken literally. Veterinarians of any kind are not welcome in her establishment; wizards have to leave their wands outside or risk becoming part of the menu. The regulars, and there are many, simply accept this. Arrogant wizards are frequently tasty.

Food critics of a different persuasion may be appalled by Vicky’s Monstrous Burger Shack, but I am the Purple Devourer, and I have no reason to care about their small-minded, unimaginative approach to food. In my opinion, this is a wonderful establishment; it doesn’t all have to be like Valabar’s, you know. You might want to avoid eating there every day, but I highly recommend visiting it if you ever find yourself in Upper Gatopolis.

THUS THE ACT IS ACCOMPLISHED. THE HUNGER SHALL GROW WHEN THE MOON RETURNS.

– The Purple Devourer