Ever since his father had turned into a boy band and his mother had joined a frog, little Timmy lived in the Orphanage for Very Sad Children in the grey, depressing city of Dull. There was only one time of year when he was truly happy, and that time was Christmas. You see, Timmy loved buying gifts for all his orphan friends. But gifts were expensive, so little Timmy wrote to Santa to ask for help.
The greatest gift is giving, but I know we live in capitalism, so all I want for Christmas this year is a discount on my favourite game, The Sea Will Claim Everything, that wonderful adventure in the Lands of Dream which is very funny but also surprisingly touching. Could you somehow make it so the game is cheaper until January 1st?
Sadly, little Timmy was not just an orphan, he was also dyslexic, and the letter never reached the North Pole. Instead it found its way to the deepest pits of Hell, where it was received by Stalin’s cousin, Satan. Satan detested little children, since most of them did not listen to heavy metal… but due to an inexplicable sudden merriness, he decided to grant Timmy’s wish anyway! It was a true Christmas miracle.
Satan was rather confused.
Notes on the text:
- Satan’s first name is also Joseph.
- Timmy later sold his soul and became a Bitcoin millionaire.
- The makers of The Sea Will Claim Everything do not condone the use of inverted monotheism for the selling of products.
- This text was written by an elf.
- Probably one of the Noldor.